Confused...

I'm in a relationship with one person and in love with another person who is engaged to another woman but still calls me.

=/

Will I ever get this love thing right?

Just when I think all is right in the world...

he calls.

he wants to see me.

i say no.

i can't, and i know i can't.

i'm with someone else now.

we're happy.

she has the same bracelet.

he misses me.

she's got the keys.

i got the phone call.

at 11pm.

but i love him.

no.

Torture

I tortured myself today by googling my ex and looking at pics of him with his new chick.  She is beautiful (I am beautiful) but damn her clothes are amaaaazing!  I mean, I am a stylist and I know clothes and her gear is up to par.  Mine--not so much.  Don't get me wrong, I dress fly and have some nice bags and shoes; some Chloe, some Gucci, some Louboutin, some Giuseppes... But she has a Birken bag?!  Her clothes are on POINT!  But she is all over the gossip sites, having dated more than one celeb so I guess she's racked up along the way.  Damn, what I did notice is he bought her the same bracelet he bought me--wow.  I guess I shouldn't be surprised, right?  I do love to torture myself.

As I obsess over the ex...

I came across this...
(Excerpt from the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert)

I got it from blogger Miciah Bennett's page, I guess I should finally read this book now, since all my friends have read it...
____________________________________

"But I really love him."

"Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don't you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching, I mean you got zapped kiddo. But that love you felt, that's just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That's just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck, Groceries-you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. Its your destiny. Don't laugh."

"I'm not laughing" I was actually crying. "And please don't laugh at me now, but I think the reason it's so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate."

"He probably was. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. It's over, Groceries. David's purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform you life, then introduce you to your spiritual matter and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over. Problem is you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You're like a dog at the dump, baby-you're just lickin' at an empty tin can , trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you're not careful that can's gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it."

"But I love him."

"So love him."

"But I miss him."

"So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you'll really be alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she's really alone. But here's what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot-a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in-God will rush in-and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go."

I had sex today.

Wasn't the best, wasn't the worst. But, I had sex today. His was the best. I like who I'm with, but will he ever measure up? I should probably get high first.

Why don't you love me?

Beyonce has a song on her album "I am... Sasha Fierce", the extended version I think. It goes:

"Why don't love me, tell me baby why don't you love me

When I make me so damn easy to love

Why don't you need me, tell me baby why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need

I got beauty, I got class

I got style and I got ass......"

Anyway, the song goes on about having her own money, having moves in the bedroom etc. You can Google the lyrics if you want. But, the point I'm trying to make is, Why? Why don't yooou love me? It seems as if the ones who you give your all to, the ones you love beyond what love is... they just pay you no mind. Or, they are confused or another big one, they don't want you for anything but sex.

I did everything for this guy, bought him herbal refreshment, (the good kind, not the cheap kind). I used to get him clothes from my job (I'm a stylist.) I would get him all kinds of freebies--had him looking oh so fresh and so clean, and he's so vain... he loved it.

In return, he was funny, charming, gave me amaaaazing sex... but not love. I wanted him to love me.

So, I left him. And I know it was the right thing, but damn, I swear he put some old voodoo/who-doo on me or something because I can't get him out of my mind. But, I did the right thing. I know I did.

When someone becomes like a drug to you, the highs are soooo high but the lows are soooo low. When you are happy, nothing beats it but when they make you sad, or angry it's like someone is ripping your heart out and not even giving you a pain killer.

I did the right thing.

I think about him so much, not too much. I think about him a lot. He sometimes sends me text messages of the song we used to play, the song with my name in it. And always ends the text with our symbol. Though, to be truthful, is it still our symbol? It was ours when we were "we" but now we're just him and me.

When is the time limit? I thought it'd be when I let someone else touch my sacred spots. I thought it'd be then that he would release this hold he has on me. Or that my body and mind would release him. But, here I am, a year later. Here I am, thinking about how last year on this night we made love like the world wouldn't exist "tomorrow." We sunk so deep into one another that we couldn't tell who was who. We're all the same when the lights go out. The lights were out.

I walk down the street and I still follow the smell of his cologne. I can't help it. I never tell though. I never tell him. He sends me longing text messages, random phone calls, and I never say "I miss you too." Because the truth is, he misses my body, my attention, my love, but he doesn't miss me--he only misses the way I make him feel about himself. And I need someone to miss me.

I miss him. The things I miss the most about him are the things I could never capture. So, I'd spend a lifetime chasing and he'd spend a lifetime running but still within reach and I need to stop running in the wrong direction because my heart aches.

So, now I have a love who chases me. And misses me. And searches me and explores me and adores me, just enough to get me to stay but not to much that I run away. And the high is not the same, but the good days far outweigh the bad. That's a good thing, right?

That's a good thing, right?